The greatest mystery in life is not life itself, but death.
Death is the culmination and "blossoming" of life, it is the "ultimate" mystery of life. In death, the whole of one's life is summed up; in death you complete life's journey. Life is simply a pilgrimage and journey towards death. From the very moment of your birth, the process" of dying starts; already you are moving towards death. And the greatest calamity that has happened to human intelligence is that we are in denial about death. Being in denial about the reality of death means you will miss life's greatest mystery. You will miss the whole point of having lived. You will miss the "true" meaning and purpose of life itself, because life and death are deeply involved with each other; they are not two separate phenomena. The journey and the goal are not separate--the journey has meaning only in relationship to the goal.

Death has to be understood as the "crescendo" of life.
Only then does a new vision of the meaning and purpose of one's life arises. Then you are no longer in denial about death, no longer afraid of dying. Your understanding of death liberates you from all of your fears and anxiety. Once death has been fully understood, deeply contemplated and meditated on, nothing can frustrate you. The whole problem of personal misery and suffering is rooted in our fear and denial of death. Because we do not accept the inevitability of our death and dying, there are a thousand and one problems that go on nagging and disturbing our peace of mind.

Anything which reminds us of the facts about death and dying has to somehow be avoided and escaped. Those things frighten and deeply disturb us. However, all of those things are just reminders of death. The real thing will be far more terrifying for such an "unprepared" mind. And remember, death cannot be avoided by anyone. Death is going to happen to everyone--whether you are afraid or not is irrelevant. Death comes and always comes unsuspectingly. Ready or not, it comes. And death comes in many ways. When you die, that is only one form of death. When your mother or father dies, when your son, husband or anyone close to you dies, that is also like a death to you. They have been an intricate part of your being, and when he or she dies, a part of you also dies. You will be losing a part of your own "self' and you will never be the same. So it is not only in your death that death comes; whenever anyone you love dies, death knocks at your door, too! And unless you are prepared, you will be simply overwhelmed and deeply depressed.

This is my message to you: Start learning how to prepare yourself for your death and the death of your loved ones. Learn how to not be afraid and overwhelmed. Try to understand that your "existence" renews itself through the process of death. Just as after each day you need deep sleep in the night to rejuvenate and renew yourself, to make yourself fresh and robust again, in the same way after each life you need a new body, a new mind, a new manifestation of being. Death is as meaningful as life. They are both different aspects of the same "divine" process of eternal existence. Death is as divine as life. They complement and balance each other, and the whole "mystery" of existence continues because of them. Understanding this, is to become "enlightened."

-Leonard Ingram

Some people are more vulnerable to co-workers/boss mischief than others. They are more likely to take a co-worker's anger personally, (as if it were a true reflection on their worth and dignity as a person) and to overreact accordingly. Paradoxically, the more vulnerable you are, the more likely a co-worker or boss is to sense it and to make mischief with you in the first place. It follows, therefore, that one approach to reducing the amount of mischief you are experiencing on the job is to strengthen those areas of personal vulnerability that have been inviting it. This is how its done:

Phase One

1. The first step in coping with the negative behavior of a co-workers/boss is to identify it properly. To clearly see that, "this is mischief!" The person is doing something that does not need to be done. With a little practice, you will be able to spot mischief a block away and not take it personally.

2. Remember the definition of self-respect. "I'm a worthwhile human being in spite of my faults and imperfections. No one can take that away from me."  

3. Catch yourself about to take a co-workers angry remarks seriously, as if it made sense in the real world!  

4. Catch yourself about to "reason" him or her out of their anger mischief, as if reason had anything to do with it.  

5. This shifting of our emotional gears from our old pattern to a new one, is call disengaging from the mischief. We are NOT ignoring it, or denying that it is going on. We know very well what is going on, only now we have a power we didn't have before the power to choose not to overreact.  

6. Identify the underlying purpose of the anger and negative behavior. We do that by identifying the way it is making us feel right now. See understanding negative behavior for an example of this process  

7. Armed with insight into the goals and purpose of the negative behavior of our co-worker/boss, we can deduce what kind of response they expect from us; the same kind we have always given them in the past, such as threats, demands, begging, cajoling..."brown nosing" ( these are all forms of our own mischief). They leave us feeling weak, powerless and ashamed in our own eyes. We can let them go, and respond in a self-respecting and appropriate way.

Phase Two

1. We are now free to make a NEW choice in our own behalf instead of overreacting to him/her as we have always done in the past, we can choose to do something unexpected!

Very often, the last thing they expect us to do in these unpleasant situations is to agree with them! We are not agreeing that they are correct in their facts, but merely that they FEEL the way they feel. For example, you can say, "I'd feel the same way if I were you."

Validate their anger
"I don't blame you for being Angry." This validates him as a person in spite of his imperfections by treating him with respect.

Give them a choice
They can talk to you later when they have cooled off or write you an anger memo. Ask them "what remedy is it that you seek?" or words to that effect.

Agree with them
Agree that it would be nice if they get what they want from you. We didn't say we'd give it to them. When we validate their "preferences", we are validating them as a person in spite of their negative behavior towards us. What we are giving them is some relief from their painful, out of control anger.

When we choose to behave in this new way, we are standing our ground, but not in a hostile, threatening, morally superior way. We are equal members of the human race, and we are letting them know that they have lost their power to provoke us with their "anger mischief" and shenanigans.

It will help us to emotionally disengage from these provocations at work if we can shift our focus from our angry, mischief making co-workers/boss and focus attention on ourselves to make a change in the way we have historically handled these situations. We are so preoccupied with their nonsense, that we often forget that we are a person too. We are no more perfect than they are. We are not morally superior, but are only an imperfect human being as well. This very understanding serves as the basis for self and mutual respect which is the "key" to conflict resolution.

1. The first step towards managing anger in our personal relationships appropriately is the identification of the mistaken attitudes and convictions that predispose us to being excessively angry in the first place!

• Once these mistakes have been corrected, we will be less likely to fly off the handle than we were in the past.

2. The second step is the identification of those factors from our childhood that prevents us from expressing our anger as appropriately as we otherwise might. These factors include fear, denial, ignorance and so on.

• These impediments to the effective and appropriate management of our anger towards others can be removed so that our suppressed anger will NOT compound itself inside of us as it has been doing for years.

3. The third step is learning the appropriate modes of expressing our "legitimate" anger at others so that we can begin to cope more effectively with anger provoking situations as they arise in our personal relationships. When we are anxious or depressed in our relationships, we are often experiencing the consequences of our suppressed anger. The problem is that we have suppressed our anger so deeply that we succeeded in concealing it from our own selves! All we are left with is the residual evidence of it, our anxiety or our depression. When we are depressed, very often we are also angry at our self without realizing it.

• Learning to appropriately manage our anger at ourselves is the antidote to much of alcoholism and drug abuse. But the management of our anger does not end in learning these new and more appropriate ways to express it. There remains one last step.

4. The fourth step in the Anger Management process is to bind up the wounds that may have been left by the potentially devastating emotional impact of anger. "Anger wounds" left in us against those who have wronged us. If we do not complete this mopping up step, we will cling to the resentment of having been done wrong and will carry the festering residue of our anger and rage in our hearts forever.

• One of the most effective means of giving ourselves immediate relief from anger in our personal relationships is to forgive others.

Many of us cannot forgive those who have trespassed against us.
Something below the level of our conscious awareness prevents us from relieving our residual anger by forgiving the other person and we then carry a grudge in our hearts for thirty years! This unresolved anger poisons our relationship with our friends and loved ones. It even spoils our relationship with ourselves! We make our own lives mean and miserable instead of happy and full. Very often the feeling is, "Why should I forgive them? What they did was WRONG!" But, is forgiveness for those who only do us right? Most people have a hard time forgiving others simply because they have a wrong understanding of what forgiveness is! When you forgive someone, it does not mean that you condone or are legitimizing their behavior toward you. To forgive them means that you refuse to carry painful and debilitating grudges around with you for the rest of your life! You are "refusing" to cling to the resentment of them having done you wrong. You are giving yourself some immediate relief from your OWN anger!

To forgive, then, is an act that we do on our OWN behalf.
It has nothing to do with "lifting" the other person's sin! You are not doing it for their sake. You are doing it for yourself. This is a choice you are making on your OWN terms in order to relieve your OWN pent-up emotions. The book, Managing And Coping With Anger contains an in-depth analysis of this four step process plus ten (10) carefully designed exercises, called homework, to help you to completely master the anger management process.

1. How am I feeling right now?

___ Anxious
___ Worthless
___ Hostile
___ Depressed
___ Mean/evil
___ Revengeful
___ Bitchy
___ Bitter
___ Rebellious
___ Paranoid
___ Victimized
___ Numb
___ Sarcastic
___ Resentful
___ Frustrated
___ Destructive

These are some of the names that we give to our feelings of anger! There is no cure for any of them. The first step in resolving our anger problem is to identify it as anger! The purpose of this step is to make our anger more specific. No one can manage anger that is vague and covered up with euphemisms.

2. What happened to make you angry?
If we can focus on the specific incident which triggered our anger, our anger becomes more understandable and more easier to manage. 

3. Who am I angry at?
___ My own self
___ My spouse
___ My partner
___ My boss
___ The kids
___ God
___ The Human Race
___ My Life
___ All men
___ All women
___ Other races
___ Miscellaneous

Our anger usually will involve five (5) general areas. 
(1) Our anger at others, (2) Others anger at us, (3) Our anger at self, (4) Residual anger from the past, or (5) Abstract anger. See our books and CDs on managing and coping with anger for a more detailed discussion of these five objects of anger.

Now that you have established the fact that you are angry and that your anger has an "object" in the real world, you are ready for the fourth step in working through the anger process. You are ready to factor your anger into its main components. If you can identify the specific facets of your anger, you will be in a better position to put your anger into a more moderate and more manageable perspective. You can do this by asking yourself a series of focusing questions.

4. How did the situation make me feel besides angry?
(Example #1: I resent being forced to give into them all the time. It makes me feel powerless!)
(Example #2: His criticisms of me makes me feel unappreciated and good for nothing.)  __________________________________________________________________________  __________________________________________________________________________  __________________________________________________________________________  

Now that you have pin-pointed your feelings underlying your anger, you are now ready to put your anger in a clearer perspective. The next step is to "peel" your anger down to the next layer.

5. What about this angers me the most?
For example, you have established the fact that in the above situation it made you feel powerless, unappreciated or good for nothing. You are now ready to take a closer look at these feelings underlying your anger. What is it about being made to feel powerless that angers you the most? Some examples of what you might find upon deeper analysis is:

• "There is nothing that I can do about it."

• "I feel so stupid!"

• "I feel guilty for allowing it to happen."

• "I feel inadequate to cope with this situation."

Having peeled your anger down to this level, you are ready now to penetrate your anger at its deepest level. You are ready to focus on the real issue underlying all of the prior layers and levels of your emotional distress.

6. Now, what about this angers me the MOST?
This level of self-analysis usually brings us down to bedrock. Down to the fundamental issue which underlies all the others, and which must be identified and relieved if we are to strengthen our vulnerability to mismanaging our anger -- and making our lives more miserable than it needs to be. The answer found at this level of self-analysis often turns out to be, "I feel so worthless!" It is hard for us to respect someone who is stupid, helpless, inadequate and powerless! And when we have those feelings towards ourself, they destroy our respect for our ownselves.

We lose our self respect and hold ourselves in contempt. The final step in managing our anger consists of replacing these feeling or worthlessness--even unworthy of our OWN respect -- with its specific antidote. The only antidote for self contempt is self respect.

The book "Who Am I" goes into the detailed process by which you are able to extricate yourself from this swamp of self-contempt, self doubt, and self-recrimination. You can then begin to get on with the task of coping with the ups and downs of relationships and everyday life.

Read an excerpt from the book 
Who Am I? The Supreme Understanding

Understanding the Goals of Negative Behavior
You can tell what the purpose of the someone's mischief is by the way it makes you FEEL when it is happening. Instead of reacting to the mischief, you can ask yourself, "How is this behavior making me feel right now? Which of the basic emotional needs is being sought?"

If you feel annoyed and irritated...

His or her purpose is to get your attention. The most basic and fundamental need of children is the need to belong -- to bond and feel connected to the parent and family. To be esteemed and valued as a human being. This makes attention one of the strongest motives underlying the child's misbehavior.

If you feel powerless and out of control...

His or her purpose is to gain power and control over YOU. Children also have the need to be able to influence and control their environment. They strive to control the outcome of the events going on around them in ways that are consistent with, and in service to, their own wishes and desires. When they feel inadequate to do this, they become rebellious and defiant.

If you feel hurt...

His or her purpose is revenge! Children also strive to protect themselves from their "perception" of an attack or threat to their sense of self, whether real or imaginary. They perceive every reversal, major or minor, as if they were being singled out by others (i.e. parents, teachers) for special torture and punishment. They feel victimized and seek relief from their hurt feelings through acts of revenge.

If you feel discouraged and helpless...

His or her purpose is to withdraw from the task/situation for which he feels inadequate to cope. Children withdraw from overwhelming situations in order to maintain their immature sense of ego and pride, to escape the reality of their own inadequacies.

The solution: Disengage from the mischief
Disengage does not mean to ignore the emotional needs of our children. But now, you know exactly what is going on. You are disengaging from the child's mischief and misbehavior, not from them as a person. You are choosing to behave appropriately in the reality of the situation.

After you have disengaged from the child's mischief, you will feel relief from the tension, pressure and stress of the moment. You will feel in control, liberated, mature and secure within your own self. You will not take the child's behavior "personally" as if it was a true reflection of your own worth as a parent, and as a human being. You will feel appropriately responsible and competent to handle the situation. The more you practice disengaging from the child's mischief, the better you will become at it, the more the child will respect you -- and the more you will respect yourself!

Substance abuse and dependence has grown beyond even the bleakest predictions of the past. In the United States alone, there are an estimated 23 million people who are struggling (on a daily basis) with some form of substance abuse or dependence. The toll it is having on our society is dramatically increased when we factor in the number of families who suffer the consequences of living with a person with an addiction, such as:

• Job loss

• Incarceration

• Loss of child Custody

• DUI's

• Domestic Violence/Aggression

• Marital problems/divorce

• Accidents/injuries

• Financial problems

• Fetal Birth/damage

• Depression/anxiety/chronic anger

What is it worth to you and your family to avoid these consequences?

Unfortunately, most substance abusers may not even be aware that they have an underlying anger problem and do not "connect" their anger problem to their alcoholism, drug addiction and substance abuse. Therefore, they do not seek (or get) help for their anger problem. But more often than not, their anger is the underlying source (and psychological origin) of their disorder.

Anger "emotionally" precedes the use of cocaine and alcohol for many alcohol and cocaine dependent individuals. Anger is an emotional and mental form of "suffering" that occurs whenever our desires and expectations of life, others or self are thwarted or unfulfilled. Addictive behavior and substance abuse is an addict's way of relieving themselves of the agony of their anger by "numbing" themselves with drugs, alcohol and so on. This is not "managing their anger", but suppression.

When we do not know how to manage our anger appropriately, we try to stuff the anger down inside ourselves and "keep it there". Over time, it festers and often gives rise to even more painful emotions, such as depression and anxiety. Thus, the individual has now created an additional problem for themselves besides their substance abuse, and must be "dual diagnosed" to receive proper treatment. Several clinical studies have demonstrated that anger management intervention for individuals with substance abuse problems is very effective in reducing or altogether eliminating a relapse.

Our Anger Management-Based Substance Abuse Program helps our clients relieve the pain of their suppressed anger the "right way" and stop trying to relieve their emotional pain the "wrong way". We help our clients learn how to handle their painful feelings (anger, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, stress etc.) without resorting to drugs or alcohol.

Medical research has found that alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamine dependence are medical diseases associated with biochemical changes in the brain. Traditional treatment approaches for drug and alcohol dependency focus mainly on group therapy and cognitive behavior modification, which very often does not deal with either the anger or the "physiological" components underlying the addictive behavior. Our program corrects this oversight by dealing with both.

By addressing the physiological components of the addiction, our substance-dependent clients are better enabled to address the behavioral and psycho/social components of their addiction, and thus, are able to enhance (and accelerate ) their progress through the various stages of recovery. In conjunction with The Hythiam Corporation and their PROMETA treatment protocol for alcohol and cocaine dependence, we offer individuals seeking effective treatment for substance abuse a complete program that truly address the "whole" problem and it's solution.

PROMETA is a non-addictive, medically-based treatment approach provided by trained physicians. The PROMETA/Anger Management Protocol provides discreet treatment for you (or a member of your family) and requires only 2-3 consecutive, daily office visits of about 2 hours each and 1 month of prescription medications. This makes our program especially convenient for those unwilling or unable to commit to a traditional 30-60 day residential program.

Book Preview: Managing and Coping with Anger in the Workplace

Violence and destructive anger has reached an epidemic level in our culture and negatively impacts us in each arena and major tasks of life:

Social
Our relationships with others

Love
Our intimate relationships

Spiritual
The meaning and purpose of life

Work
Our occupation, the earning of a living

Anger and violent conflicts in the workplace has become one of Corporate America's biggest problems. In a recent Gallup poll, two (2) out of every ten (10) employees confessed to being angry enough to "hurt" some co-worker in the last six(6) months! Indeed, every day, literally thousands of employees are killing and maiming each other as a result of their mis-managed and uncontrolled anger and rage. Many more thousands of "innocent" by-standers/co-workers are also being hurt or killed in the process. Too many managers and bosses are losing their lives each year because of the angry and violent actions of disgruntled employees. Make no mistake about it, the modern workplace of today is dangerous and becoming increasingly more violent and you can easily be hurt or even lose your life if you don't know how to manage your anger and the anger of your co-workers.

Much of the problem contributing to the epidemic anger and violence occurring in the workplace is that many people have attitudes about themselves, about others and about life which predispose them to behave in ways that are irrational and disrespecting towards others. Such persons are "culturally incompetent" and are not "sensitive" to other people "feelings" ways of seeing, doing and understanding things. They lack "insight" about other people beliefs, values and practices and are unable to "dialogue" about their differences. And when conflicts arise, their lack of "insight" and cultural competence makes positive cooperation difficult and sometimes, even impossible. This kind of cultural "narrow-mindedness" is then perceived as disrespect by others and triggers their anger (rage) and its violent consequences.

I have found that most of the inter-employee problems, manager/employee problems and violent conflicts on the job, arise out of this negative context of cultural ignorance. When co-workers, managers and employees learn how to make the transition from their mistaken or uninformed attitudes and expectations of others to more appropriate ones, their lives at work take on new meaning and purpose. They become capable of cooperating with each other as equal members of society. As employees, they become more efficient and productive at their job. They stop insulting and putting each other down and start helping each other up. They are moved into a relationship of mutual respect.

Mutual respect can be defined as a state in which two (or more) individuals respect themselves and each other in spite of their differences, faults and imperfections. In the context of mutual respect, each employee's feelings of self respect and sense of worth and value is enhanced. Of course, this does not mean "compromising" with any legitimate expectations based on each employee respective role and job function. But it does mean "respecting" the other person "humanity" in spite of his professional shortcomings, cultural differences or lack of competence. Even when the other person makes it very difficult for us to respect them by making useless "anger mischief," we can still disengage from their inappropriate or unprofessional behavior and respect them in spite of it! He (she) will not cooperate with us until, and unless we do.

Book Preview: Managing and Coping with the Angry Child.

Coping with the angry child
When children feel inadequate to cope with a situation, when they don't even know what the reality of the situation requires them to do, it frustrates them, it makes them very angry. Then, they will do something that does not need to be done--mischief. Mischief is self indulgent, counter-productive and ultimately self destructive. If it is not managed properly it does not get better, it gets worse. It escalates until you can't stand it any longer and explode. Mischief ranges from talking back to parents to setting the house on fire. It covers everything that does not need to be done.

Children who feel inadequate to cope do not respect themselves or others
They hold themselves in contempt and behave accordingly. We may think that their behavior is illogical, but it is not. They have their own logic, "I am worthless and stupid, worthless and stupid things deserve to be destroyed, therefore, I deserve to be destroyed/punished". This is the logic of self-destructive misbehavior. Their misbehavior and mischief is their way of bringing about the punishment and destruction that they feel they deserve. The child's negative behavior always has a hidden purpose underneath it. To effectively manage and cope with the child's anger, and the misbehavior associated with it, you must be able to identify the underlying purpose and the goals of negative behavior. After you have identified the negative purpose or goal of the child's behavior, you are in a position to do something constructive about it and learn how to emotionally disengage from his provocative behavior.

The problem is not the child's anger
The problem is the mismanagement of the anger. Mischief and misbehavior CAN be a problem, but it is also an opportunity to teach responsibility and anger management skills to the child. There are two very effective ways to do this. Give them choices, and give them personal examples.

Responsibility = Choices + Consequences
Responsibility is learned by making choices and then accepting the outcome and consequences of those choices and decisions. Therefore, the most essential condition that we must create for our children is to provide them with the freedom to make choices and the awareness of the logical consequences thereof.

Of course, we must exercise appropriate discrimination when creating these conditions to teach responsibility to our children. Read Coping With the Angry Student/ Child resource manual for examples of anger management activities for students and children.

Personal Example
Example is not only the best way to teach character and anger management to our children, it is the ONLY way to teach it! As parents, teachers, counselors or education professionals, we must model appropriate behavior to our students/children. It is the way you, as a parent or teacher, are managing your anger problems and frustration that provide children with the best means of handling their own anger and frustration. Therefore, we must-as a precondition- learn how to effectively and appropriately manage our own anger and then, model these skills for our students/children. Example is always the best teacher.

As parents, teachers, counselors or education professionals, we must model appropriately. Learn how to understand children's actions.

Book Preview: Managing and Coping with Anger for Parents.

Understanding Parents' Good Intentions
There are four basic ways that well-intentioned parents unsuspectingly turn their children into "raging," out of control little monsters and completely destroy their own children's self-respect all in the name of love.

The most popular emotional wrecking tool with parents is over-criticism.  
The slogan of the over-critical parent is "I'll get that kid to shape up even if it kills him! After all, its for his/her OWN good! They will thank me some day!" The really dedicated over-critical parent rides the kid's back from the moment his feet touch the floor in the morning until he passes out at night! They become angry to the point of rage (or violence) whenever their kid "fails" to live up to their expectations. They resort to all kinds of ways and means to punish and "humiliate" the kid to live up to their unrealistic expectations and standards. The apparent aim of this kind of misguided parent(s) is to build the child up by tearing them down! The end result of course is just that, a torn down, broken hearted and bitter(angry) kid!

The child (victim) of the over-critical parent's "good intentions" soon starts to feel that he or she just can't do anything right! Whenever he or she falls short of perfection, they are made to feel they are a total screw up. And he now begins to feel that, since he or she has failed to live up to their parent's impossibly high standards and expectations, he doesn't therefore deserves their love and respect. A deep and dark feeling of "self-contempt" (anger at self) and worthlessness overwhelms him to the point of self-destructive behavior. Kids resent (are angry about) being "put down" and insulted all the time ESPECIALLY by their OWN parents! They rebel against it, and parents then wonder "whats gotten into him ?"

Since he has been made to feel he's a "loser" by HIS OWN PARENT(S), he will now dramatize (act out) this conviction for the rest of his life. He enters into negative, destructive activities with other "losers" (gangs) and now will "succeed" at doing things that don't need to be done, like shooting or smoking dope, stealing cars, being sexually promiscuous, failing in school and so on. And in the end, his "good-intentioned" and well meaning parent(s) will simply say to themselves, "We just can't understand it! And after all we have done for this rotten kid..." It is time to let our young people know that adults (parents, teachers,) have problems too, that they are trying very hard to "over-compensate" for their own deficiencies because they want to look good in the eyes of others. Holding unrealistic goals and standards for our children makes positive cooperation between the adults and kids impossible and turns the "generation gap" into a war zone with millions of casualties on both sides.

What Kids Can Do
There are some very effective ways of dealing with the angry, over-critical parent. One of them is to stop automatically reacting to your parent's over-critical tactics! They expect you to react the same old way, but that doesn't mean you have to do it! You have the power to choose a different response! It's up to you. Catch yourself about to over-react in the same old way and don't do it! Do what the would least expect you to do! You can agree with them! Or Thank them for their interest in your perfection. Be creative but always respectful! You can STOP the cycle of insults! Specific strategies are covered in our pamphlet.

There are three (3) additional ways well-intentioned parents succeed at reducing a once self-respecting and self-confident, happy-go-lucky kid to the point of despair and rage are over ambition, overindulgent and overprotective parenting styles. A complete discussion of the negative styles of parenting and five (5) effective ways of dealing with the negative "good intentions" of parents is available in the pamphlet "Managing And Coping With The Angry Parent".

The above paragraphs appear in the pamphlet Managing and Coping with Anger for Parents.